If Dr. Seuss Books Were Titled According to Their Subtexts
there was a lizard in the shower so i said hello to it and the person showering next to me was like “hi??” i wasn’t sure whether to carry on the conversation or be like sorry i was talking to a lizard
my mom and I got into an argument one time and then we started getting really emotional and she said “Obama means family” and I swear I never cried so hard in my life
WAIT IT’S SUPPOSED TO SAY OHANA NOT OBAMA THE PRESIDENT ISN’T PULLING MY FAMILY TOGETHER
This is the greatest knock knock joke in the history of all knock knocks jokes ever told, ever.
i write sins not shopping receiptsOh,
As I’m pacing the aisles in a small corner store,
And I can’t help but to hear,
No, I can’t help but to hear an exchanging of words:
“What a beautiful melon! What a beautiful melon!” says a patron to a stocker.
“And yes, but what a shame, what a shame we’re not getting in any more.”
I CHIME WITH HAVEN’T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF
STOCKING THE GODDAMN STORE, NO
THE WOMAN SMEARING THE GREASE OR POOP ON HER GLASS TABLE AND CRYING
WHAT EVEN HAPPENED TO THE LAST LADY?
hey if you teach your parrot to say ‘parrot’ it’s probably as close as you’ll get to owning a pokemonMy brother tells a story about his roommate’s parrot, that everyone who came to the house would say “you’re a bird!” to it so the bird would repeat the phrase back, no big. Until one day my brother was alone in the house with it and heard it say, very quietly, “I’m a bird.” My brother almost dropped a plate.